


Day I Die

by theskiddlyboop



Series: Sleep Well Beast series [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, F/M, Is it a dream, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Has Mommy Issues, Lucid Dreaming, POV Kylo Ren, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Things left unsaid, but this one is The Sad, inspired by The National, is it the force, it will be in subsequent instalments, this is not a happy story, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2019-09-28 16:32:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17186492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskiddlyboop/pseuds/theskiddlyboop
Summary: "Lucid dreaming had been a part of Kylo’s life for as long as he could remember. It had been torture as a young child: he always felt trapped and terrified whenever he experienced sleep paralysis, and moments from his day so often echoed over and over in his mind. Each furtive look amongst his parents, the words they spat at each other when they thought he couldn’t hear them, all of it was replayed in his mind at night. Only it wasn’t just memories that haunted his nights."Set after TLJ, Kylo is visited by a familiar face as he sleeps...





	1. This Is The Last Time

**Author's Note:**

> I set a goal of publishing a fic in 2018, so naturally I have waited until the last minute to complete it. This is my first fic; I truly hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Endless love to nymphadoraholtzmann, hexmionegranger, lifeofsnark, and afalsebravado for being betas on this, and for talking me through a lot of my writing anxiety. <3

Lucid dreaming had been a part of Kylo’s life for as long as he could remember. It had been torture as a young child: he always felt trapped and terrified whenever he experienced sleep paralysis, and moments from his day so often echoed over and over in his mind. Each furtive look amongst his parents, the words they spat at each other when they thought he couldn’t hear them, all of it was replayed in his mind at night. Only it wasn’t just memories that haunted his nights.

 

He couldn’t remember when the voice started talking to him; it seemed like it had always been there. When he was small, it had felt like a companion, offering solace to him when he was alone.

_“Why do you hide away, here in the dark?”_

_“The other boys don’t like me.”_

_“Do you know why?”_

_“No... Mama says that they don’t like the same things as --”_

_“They’re afraid of you.”_

_“A-afraid? But I’m not scary!”_

_“You have power inside you, young one. The weak fear the powerful.”_

_“I don’t… I don’t want to make people scared.”_

_“Hush, now. In time, you will learn to control your power. I’ll teach you.”_

 

The voice in his head would talk to him as he slept, pointing out hidden messages that his young mind couldn’t decipher on its own: _they’re afraid of you; you’ll never belong with them; only I can show you the way_. As he grew and with the voice’s guidance, he learned to reexamine his actions and the reactions of others in his dreamspace.

_“They’re sending me away.”_

_“Did I not tell you they would, one day.”_

_“Yes. I hate them! They’re supposed to love me, but they just can’t wait to be rid of me!”_

_“I know. I tried to warn you.”_

_“I should have listened, but I didn’t want to believe that she… that my mother would finally give up on me.”_

_“You are not alone, my child.”_

_“No. You are with me… master.”_

 

He hadn’t realized this until he had met him in the flesh, after fleeing the smoking ruins of Skywalker’s temple, but Kylo now knew that it had been the voice of the Supreme Leader, all along. Snoke had been the master of his mind well before Kylo had ever learned his name. After killing him, Kylo had briefly wondered if it would vanish all together. Yet his former master had conditioned him well; the self-doubt and loathing was far too ingrained in him now to be fully exorcised. And so, Kylo’s torturous nights continued. Only now, the voice was his own.

_“You’re a fool. A fool for offering her anything, a fool for believing her, a fool for wishing-- you pathetic… Why would she ever join someone as weak as you. ”_

 

Visions were waiting for Kylo every time he slept. Usually, and unfortunately, Kylo’s dreams were vivid and specific, often a memory, recent or long buried. His subconscious, seemed hellbent on reminding him of every detail of his many past failings. Recently, however, since he and Rey had touched hands through the force bond, he was also haunted by the possible future he had seen: of them fighting side by side, then ruling the galaxy side by side - as equals. His dreams were bright, unforgiving, and painful.  

 

Except tonight. Tonight was something different.

 

The first thing he noticed was the dream’s lack of form. There were no distinguishing features, no landmarks, nothing of anything. He found himself in a shapeless, grey void. It stretched on and on, seemingly forever. He began to move, trying to see if there was any boundary, but he stopped searching as he came to a second and more shocking realization: he felt at peace.

 

Here, in this dim nothingness, light and dark were in harmony. Was this the serenity that his uncle had droned on about during practice meditation? Was this what awaited him once the war finally ended, when he had fulfilled his duty to hold up his family legacy? He felt unburdened. He knew that the stresses of his waking hours awaited, and yet he found that this knowledge and his responsibilities bore no weight here. He could not remember the last time he had felt like this. He rolled his shoulders, allowing a small smile playing across his lips.

 

_Ben?_

 

A voice from his memories floated across the void, shattering his new-found tranquility. He ought to have known it was too good to last; nothing good in his life ever did.

 

He whirled around, dropping into his opening fighting stance. He reached for his saber, but came up empty handed. His belt and weapon, it seemed, had not accompanied him into this dreamscape. His jaw clenched and unclenched as he felt that familiar cold trickle of dread drip down his neck. Kylo knew that voice all too well, although it had been years since he had heard it through holocalls, and longer still since he had heard it in person.

 

_Ben…_

 

The name echoed around him and he spun in anger, trying to find the source. As he turned, he saw flashes, moments in his past; they burned so brightly, but when his eyes tried to focus, they would vanish, like they'd never been there at all. He saw himself, running and laughing, carefree and naive. He saw a guilty looking seven year old, two halves of a broken vase held tightly in trembling hands. A pensive eight year old, practising careful strokes as he wrote his name on a sandy beach; then his ninth Life Day, receiving a beautiful wooden box - filled with inks, pens, and brushes - as a genuine smile of delight lit up his face. He saw a curious Luke Skywalker standing over a five year old in a mediation form, while model ships floated gently around the room. Suddenly, that same room was in chaos, shattered objects on the floor, while a teenaged boy faced the wall, breathing heavily, his fists balled at his sides. Kylo caught glimpses of his own face, sleeping, gradually shifting form a carefree toddler, to a young man with a furrowed brow and worry lines.

 

He saw himself at fourteen, wearing the white and tan training robes his uncle had brought him. He stood, proud and stiff, desperate for control, yet fidgeting with the strap of his bag. This past self looked up sharply, something in the memory catching his attention, before brusquely hoisting the bag on to his shoulder and marching away, towards the transport that would take him to Luke's training temple. Kylo remembered that moment vividly: the resentment of being sent away, pride at beginning the journey towards his destiny, and the quiet doubt that Luke might not be as powerful as the voice in his mind. Yet here, seeing this moment only brought a sense of shame and grief.

 

 _These memories aren't mine,_ he realized.

 

“Where are you?” he bit out. The feeling of being watched crept over him. Turning slowly, like an animal wary of springing a trap, he turned to face his mother.

 

Leia Organa moved towards him, her hair braided to one side, and clad in the blue tunic and grey leggings she favoured for sleepwear. There was more grey streaked through her hair, and her wrinkles were more defined, but the full lips and smiling eyes were exactly as he remembered. For a moment, Kylo wanted nothing more than to reach out to her; even though he knew this was a dream, it was the closest he had been to his mother in more than a decade. The instant the sentimental idea pass through his mind, he cast it out violently.

 

 _She’s not your mother_ , a voice whispered to him. _You are not her son_. The voice in his mind was his own, but it still reminded him of Snoke.

 

Leia drew closer to him. Her lips parted, ready to speak, but Kylo beat her to the punch, riding on a wave of fear and anger.

 

“General.”

 

She stopped in her tracks and the sting of rejection crossed her face.

 

_Good. It hurts, doesn’t it._

 

Silence passed between them, filling the air until Kylo couldn’t stand it.

 

“Well? Why am I here?” He spoke quickly and tersely, his anger rising. “Did you pull me in here to reminisce? What could you hope to accomplish? Redemption? Being brought into the fold of your precious Resistance?”

 

Leia said nothing. She had adopted her “politician” stance, something that Kylo knew all too well: eyes fixed, body relaxed yet standing tall, her expression betraying nothing.

 

“You might have escaped annihilation on Crait, but you can’t outrun the First Order forever. I will find - “ he paused, collecting himself. “ _We_ will find you.”

 

She said nothing.

 

He tried to read her emotions, and while she remained unchanged - was she disappointed, like he so often imagined her? Waiting to deliver some clever retort? Or to call him out on his failings? - he found himself rapidly losing control of his composure.

 

“What are you waiting for?” he snarled. “Surely there’s a reason for why I’m here.”

 

She said nothing.

 

“What was it, General? Some rousing speech, a tirade against the First Order?” He began pacing, feeling more and more like a trapped animal. But he was unwilling to give up the fight.

 

“Tell me, what was it? Why am I here? Come on General… Where’s that fire? I know that you have it in you, even after all these years.”

 

Silence.

 

“Say something, you _coward_ . You brought me here. You _owe_ me... _something_!” His palms itched for his saber, for some kind of outlet for his rage. “Is this -- it’s some trick? To weaken me? To try and bring me back from all I have achieved? It’s too late. It’s far too late for that. You should know better; you’re the one who pushed me away. You’re the one who sent me away and put me on this path, and I will see it through. How dare you try to lead me away from it now.”

 

She flinched ever so slightly, but still said nothing. He exploded.

 

“TALK TO ME! Talk to me, say what you have to say, and then _go_ and know that I will find you, I will hunt you down, and we _will_ have a reckoning. You’ll see. You’ll see what I’m capable of. You’ll see that I was right, that this… this was my destiny.”

 

Kylo was breathing heavily. His shouting had taken the wind out of him, and he realized the futility of engaging this woman in a battle of wills. Still, he needed her to say something, anything. He couldn’t say why.  

 

“Speak. Talk to me… for once.”

 

Leia blinked slowly, and as she did there seemed to be a faint sound, like waves of a nearby ocean. Kylo noticed that the sound began to grow; what had sounded like gentle lapping at a shore, became louder, more like the tide going out, heralding some monstrous wave that would imminently come crashing down. Leia sensed it too. Her composure finally cracked, her brows furrowing. She looked behind her, as if something waited for her there. She turned back to her son, their eyes meeting. For all his ranting, he was struck silent too. Something passed between them, something unspoken, but powerful. He felt it to his core. It was a tightness in his chest, a cold drop of fear in the back of his mind, and the certainty that this moment mattered and nothing would be the same after it.

 

She took a step and as she did shapes cast out around them, like mirrors reflecting images back and forth onto one another. To his left and right, he could see shadows of himself at different ages, all face to face with different versions of Leia: her hair no longer streaked with grey, with far fewer lines on her face; her hair in various intricate braids, or sometimes let loose around her shoulders; some glimpses of her in her senator’s robes, but often in the deep blue nightgown she had always preferred. In each one of the echoes of his past, he saw his mother coming towards him, her right hand outstretched, and he knew what was about to happen.

 

Any time that they had had a conflict, or whenever something had gone wrong between them, she always reached for him. She would take out her hand and caress his cheek, looking at him with those eyes that had seen so much throughout her life before him. He looked back to the figure of her now, older and more tired than he had ever seen her in real life, but even so he saw that familiar determination set in her features. Determined to what, he couldn’t say, but she took another step towards him, this time with more confidence. As her right hand came up to touch his cheek, he immediately thought of his father, of Han Solo on the bridge, and the scar that solidified that memory as surely as the Skywalker lightsaber had scarred his face.

 

Time seemed to slow. Leia’s hand rose up to meet his face. He watched it as it moved, but his eyes were drawn back to hers, and they seemed to smile. They seemed warm and inviting and full of nothing but... love, despite it all. A smile began to form on Leia Organa’s lips, and she opened her mouth to speak, hesitating slightly as if unsure of what exactly she wanted to say, but in the moment she would find the words. As her mouth opened and her fingers were so close to his cheek, the roar became deafening. Kylo felt something pulling at him, something that he had perhaps forgotten, or not yet realized. It was creeping to the forefront of his mind. It felt like a warning.

 

She was so close. Her fingers were almost upon his cheek. And as she was about to touch him, he couldn’t help but exhale shakily. “Mother?”

 

The instant the word passed over his lips, he jerked awake, covered in sweat and his own hand reaching out for something far beyond his grasp. It took him a few moments to fully recover his breath; he felt like he had been running and running for days, months, years even. He was utterly exhausted. Despite waking, the warning still tickled at his mind. Something forgotten? Something overlooked?

 

He drew a hand through his hair, cringing at the cold sweat that had cascaded down his body. On unsteady legs, he moved towards the fresher. The roaring of the dream echoed in his ears and as the water pounded down on his face, he realized that the unscarred side - the side that Leia had been so close to touching - seemed to tingle, like a phantom limb yearning for something that was no longer there. He tried to clear his thoughts and focus on the tasks that the day would bring.

 

He stepped out of the fresher and put on his underclothes. As he was fastening his belt, he heard a voice, one that he hadn’t heard for months.

 

“Ben.”

 

He felt it then, in the Force, that bond between them: a connection that could not be ignored, despite his best efforts, something that was forever present on the outskirts of his mind. He turned, belt tossed aside. Rey stood before him, as clear as if she was physically in the room with him. She was wearing the same loose-fitting garments, shades of grey and brown, but it was her face that was different this time. Usually if they saw each other, accidentally through the Force bond, it was fleeting and they pretended to ignore each other until the connection closed, but now all of her focus was on him. And it was looking at her face - immediately seeing the sadness in her eyes, the downturn of her lips, the absence of any anger - that he knew why she had come to him.

 

“She’s gone. Isn’t she?”

 

Rey nodded before speaking.

 

“Leia is dead.”

  



	2. You & I

_Leia is dead._

_Leia is dead._

_Leia is dead._

 

He kept mulling the words over and over, trying out different emphasis on each one in turn. Even though he had guessed the truth, and the meaning of his dream, before Rey had confirmed it, his mind was having great difficulty processing the information.

 

“When?”

 

“Last night.” Rey looked down at her feet, fidgeting with her hands.

 

“What leads do you have?”

 

“Leads?”

 

He began pacing. Movement was good; it helped him focus.

 

“Who did it? Was there surveillance footage? I can’t imagine that the Resistance would have such lax security when it came to protecting their leader.” He paused to catch his breath. “I have given no orders to assassinate Lei-- her. This wasn’t First Order --”

 

“Ben…”

 

“-- unless someone went behind my back. It’s unlikely, but not impossible --”

 

“No, it’s not --”

 

“Send me what information you have. I’ll personally see to it that whoever did this --”

 

“Ben!” She had taken a few steps towards him, but stopped when he turned to face her again. He was momentarily confused by her proximity, having been too caught up to fully notice his surroundings.

 

“It wasn’t an assassin. It wasn’t anybody.”

 

“Then how…”

 

“She… she passed in her sleep. The medical droid said it was a brain aneurysm. He also said...” She quickly wiped away a tear. “He said that she wouldn’t have felt any pain.” 

 

Kylo sensed his body moving away from Rey, although he couldn’t register having made a conscious decision to do so. His legs hit his bed, and he felt himself sinking down on to it. He stared at his hands, trying to figure out why they felt so numb. 

 

“An aneurysm…” The word sounded so foreign on his tongue, and the idea of it even more so. “How did - how did nobody notice? Was no one monitoring her health, or… or checking in on her? What kind of idiots --”

 

“These things,” Rey shuddered, “can sometimes have no warning signs. It wasn’t anybody’s fault.”

 

 _Bullshit_. There had to be someone, something… An older woman dying in her sleep from something as pedestrian as a brain aneurysm? That was not, could not be the fate for someone like Leia Organa. This couldn’t be the end.

 

Rey approached him again. She stopped a few paces away from where he sat, although she seemed hesitant, as if she wanted to be even closer, yet was uncertain about how he would react.

 

While this was not the first time their bond had opened like this, it was their first time speaking since… Since she had chosen the Resistance over him, leaving him alone on his knees in an abandoned place. 

 

He could still remember the vision he had had of them - standing together, united - as they set about making the galaxy right. It had felt so real, and he had foolishly hoped that for once he would be chosen. 

 

Her shirt was sleeveless and as she rubbed her arms - was it cold where she was? - he could see the wound on her bicep, the one that a Praetorian guard had given her during their battle. He scowled at it and the memory of his failure to protect her. 

 

Seeing her again, acknowledging each other after months with barely any contact was overwhelming. It almost hurt to look at her. He had felt her presence, now and again, on the edge of his awareness, but rarely for more than a moment. Even when she appeared to him, it ended quickly and with a sense of denial that permeated each encounter. He knew she must have been blocking their bond, to the best of her abilities. It should have bothered him more, but he could hardly blame her: she was pragmatic and it was the practical choice, keeping her mind safe from her enemy. 

 

Still, looking at her now, seeing her so vulnerable, it was impossible not to think back to the night she had called to him, frozen and alone. She had been the one to reach through their connection, to share what had happened in the mirror cave. He had listened and empathized with her loneliness. Something about that night, about her turning to him had pierced his heart.

 

_“You’re not alone.”_

 

He realized, much to his frustration, that a piece of him still clung to that flickering hope of a future together, the one he had glimsped when their hands had touched. He could feel it more profoundly now that she was here in front of him. He clenched his fists to keep from reaching for her. _Stop this_ , he told himself. There was no use for hope here; he would only get burned.

 

Rey seemed to have decided on what she wanted to say.

 

“I’m sorry. The news will spread soon, but I wanted to contact you before you heard it elsewhere. I thought you deserved to know. You deserved to hear it from… I don’t know, not from the HoloNet, I suppose.”

 

He stared at her blankly. He had been so caught up in his past with Rey that he had forgotten why she stood before him now. The loss hit him all over again, forcing the breath out of him in a sharp exhale.

  

Rey’s brows furrowed, and more tears fell from her eyes. “Maybe… this is how it was supposed to be? It was just her time?”

 

Kylo scoffed. “Of course. Always on her time.”

 

“Ben…” Rey looked dismayed and he couldn’t bear it anymore.

 

“Thank you for informing me.” He spoke stiffly, rising to his feet. She took a step back, now that he had closed some of the distance between them. He tried not to pay her retreat too much attention. 

 

“Was there anything else?” 

 

She looked at him with wide eyes, as if she hadn’t understood the question. 

 

“Was there anything else you wanted to say, or is it time for us to get back to our respective factions?”

 

She shook her head, gaze falling to the floor. 

 

“Well, then.” He turned from her and walked back to where he had left his belt. Her presence in the Force began to fade while he carried on dressing, yet something inside of him was screaming out for her to stay. Without consciously doing it, her name slipped from his lips.

 

“Rey?” he whispered.

 

The fading image of her turned to catch his eye before she vanished, leaving him alone once more. 

  


* * *

 

_“Leia Organa, the politician and revolutionary who led the defeat of the Galactic Empire, died after a short illness. She was 60 years old. Hers was a life laced with controversy concerning everything from her tactics to her very ancestry, but her intelligence, commitment to the Republican cause, and place at the heart of the Rebellion, and later the Resistance against Neo-Imperialism, remains the indisputable core of her legacy.”_

 

Despite the First Order’s crackdown on HoloNet communications and information sharing, it took no time for the Resistance to circulate the news of Leia’s death. Their initial obituary, according to intelligence reports, had spread like wildfire throughout the Core systems before rapidly stretching out to the further reaches of the galaxy. Kylo had numbly nodded his assent when the commanding officers had produced their own acknowledgement of her passing, one that painted her end as the unequivocal end of the Resistance. 

 

Kylo knew this wasn’t true. He could feel it through the Force, hear it in angry whispers during meetings: the loss of Leia Organa seemed to have inspired more systems to retreat from First Order control, if not directly begin opposing them. The war would continue and the Resistance that she had served for so long seemed to be flourishing.

 

His mind, however, moved slowly, something that was not helped by his determined attempt to put off sleep for as long as possible. The dream-that-had-not-been-a-dream haunted him. Knowing now that it had been the Force connecting them, one last time, and thinking of how he had screamed at her… Shame roiled in his gut. He was terrified of what might await him if he fell asleep. More memories of his youth? Chasing a ghost, trying to hear her voice? It was far too much of an uncertainty. So he made himself busy, loaded himself up with caf, and tried to re-commit himself to his role as Supreme Leader.

 

Despite this effort, he couldn’t bring himself to care. While he pored over reports, communiques, intercepted transmissions, and the like, he felt numb. A sense of cold had settled in his limbs, despite the layers of black covering them. It should have alarmed him; he had always remembered feeling everything so strongly. This certainly wasn’t peace, not when he could still feel tendrils of fear and shame teasing the corners of his mind. It felt like his body was disconnected from his feelings, and he was only receiving them on a weakened and distant broadcast signal. 

 

He was determined not to fall asleep. So when he inevitably did and found himself in a new dream, he let out a series of curses that would make even a Hutt take pause. 

 

He was in a forest, standing on a stone path that stretched out in front of him. Turning backwards, he could see the path continued in that direction as well. It felt familiar, but he was having trouble placing it. He seemed to be having trouble with everything: his vision was blurred, sound was muted, and he could only move his limbs with great difficulty. It was like being trapped underwater. 

 

Kylo remembered a moment from his other life, when he had visited the aquarium on Chandrila. He had loved learning about all the stars in the galaxy, but what fascinated him most of all were the mysteries of the deep oceans, creatures and life that were still unknowable on many planets. He had begged for the excursion, pleaded with his tutor to let them go. He was most interested in the whale enclosure. Given the sheer size of some of the whales housed within the Chandrilan Aquarium, the space was a feat of innovation and engineering in and of itself. The scale of the creatures and their crafted environments was nearly too much for his young mind to fully comprehend. 

 

He had rushed down to the deepest part of the viewing areas, at least several stories underground. The viewing places were cool and dark, they kept the lights dim so that the whales wouldn’t be too disturbed. The boy that had been Ben Solo was thrilled: he felt that he could be a part of this secret world with these creatures. He had pressed his hand against the transparisteel. He had imagined that by reaching out, the whales would sense him and draw near, so that he could marvel at them and share in a sense of kindred spirits. 

 

He waited and waited, until finally he could see the shape of one cutting through the deep waters, heading towards him. He noticed that a smaller whale, its calf, was following along. He had been exhilarated: they were coming so close, he could make out more of their shape, see some of the patterns on their fins. He had seen them at the surface of the water, coming up for air, but to see them in their true habitats made him feel like he was part of something special and secret. He wanted to belong with them.  

 

And yet, they never reached him. They came close, but not close enough, before they turned away, lazily swimming off to other parts of the enclosure. He had been confused; he had been so certain the whales would want to come and see him. But he was still an outsider looking in, waiting on the other side and unable to join them.

 

“Sometimes they do come close”, an employee of the aquarium had said. “What they do is up to them, we can’t control them, even if we might want to occasionally. We can only watch as they go about their lives.” 

 

Ben Solo had dropped his hand from the glass, disappointed and silent. He never returned to the aquarium. 

 

Standing in the forest, Kylo realized he had been on this path before. He knew where he was. He started moving forward, in the lethargic, slow pace that the dream restricted him to, but stopped when he realized he could hear footsteps behind him. He craned his head, and a mane of braided grey hair passed through him. 

 

The ghost of Leia walked right through his body, her eyes set upon the path. Kylo was shocked and thought he ought to have felt something from their contact; but there was nothing, like she was made of smoke. Her greying hair was styled into an Alderaanian mourning braid, and she walked slowly. Kylo swallowed a lump in his throat when he noticed her leaning heavily on a cane. It was made of wood, sleek and elegant, but it had been modified at the bottom with several mechanical pieces.

 

“She had been complaining about arm pain, so I tinkered around with it.”

 

Kylo jumped. Rey was standing right next to him, her eyes glistening as she too watched Leia navigating the terrain.

 

Rey wiped at her eyes quickly. “I added some stabilizers and shock absorbers so she could be a bit more comfortable.”

 

“Is this your memory?” He whispered.

 

“No. I didn’t go with her. She asked me to come with her as an escort, but I stayed with the ship when we landed on - “

 

“Naboo.”

 

She turned to him, waiting for him to explain, her eyes curious. He hesitated, but given that a part of his old life was literally surrounding them, he cleared his throat and spoke again, quietly.

 

“This island is in the lake country of Naboo. It’s near the summer residence of Padmé Amidala’s family... my -” another moment to clear his throat “- relatives.” They moved forward, following Leia’s steps up the path. “This path leads to a home my mother inherited. It was a getaway of sorts. Secret, isolated, a place where we... where she could get away from politics.”

 

“Did you come here often?” Her voice was quiet, like she was talking to an animal that might bolt at the slightest provocation.

 

“When I was young, yes. As I grew older, less so.” He scoffed. “Spending time with family became less of a priority when I started become too difficult to handle.”

 

“Ben...”

 

“It doesn’t matter,” he snaps. “Why did she ask to come here?”

 

“She didn’t say much about it,” Rey shrugged. “Just that she needed to come here and that it wouldn’t take long.”

 

Her breath catches when they clear the trees. 

 

The stone path opened up to a handsome home, a blend of light wood and glass. A few stairs led to a wraparound veranda that bore two inviting armchairs. Here the walls of the house were entirely made of glass, and would be perfectly suited to oversee both the porch and the surrounding environment. The south facing windows permitted the home’s inhabitants to enjoy both the rising and setting of the sun. From the outside looking in, there was a large open-concept kitchen, a dining table with benches, and a cozy sitting area with a KeyBed in the corner. 

 

Rey’s eyes scanned the cottage, a small smile gracing her features. It tugged at Kylo’s heart, and he felt his lips quirking into an answering smile.

 

“She - Leia - made connections with them after the war. This place is a great deal smaller than the other Naberrie estates in the area, but…” he trailed off, watching as the vision of Leia reached into the pocket of her gown.

 

“But what?” breathed Rey.

 

Kylo saw a deep blue stone emerge from the folds of his mother’s dress. She cradled it in her hand - parts of it shone in the dwindling sunlight - before she turned away from the cottage and began walking on a smaller, man-made path that cut through the trees towards the edge of the island.  

 

He couldn’t look at Rey as he quickly answered her: “But this place always felt like home.”

 

He stepped onto the path, ready to follow Leia, when the world suddenly swirled around them. Rey clutched Kylo’s forearm. He could feel her fear acutely flowing through the bond, her panicked voice slipping through his mind. _Ben, what’s happening?_ He answered, covering her fingers with his own. _I don’t know._

 

Their surroundings spun, blurring colour and shape, until Kylo and Rey found themselves standing inside the cottage. They looked down to where their hands met. Without speaking, they pulled apart and shuffled until there was an appropriate distance between them. Kylo tried not to think about the warmth on his arm that her touch had left. 

 

They were now standing in the sitting area, in front of the sofa where Leia sat. Kylo’s heart leaped when he saw that his mother’s face was wet with tears. She laughed, but the sound of it - a sound that Kylo had not heard in ages - was muted and faraway, reminding him that he wasn’t really _there_ , with her. It seemed like it only took acknowledging that fact for him to realize how badly he wished he could be.

 

Leia wiped her cheeks, chuckling, before reaching for the holoprojector at the centre of the table. Kylo furrowed his brow. She came all this way to watch a holovid? Or… was she recording something? A small data chip ejected from the device. He watched her hands as she turned the chip over and over. She still wore the ring that Han had given her as an anniversary gift. The blue gems nestled amongst the strand of gold had brought such joy to her eyes. His father had tasked six-year-old Ben with the solemn responsibility of ring bearer and delivery boy. Ben remembered feeling very nervous about dropping and breaking something so delicate and precious. Although thinking about it now made him wonder if the jewels had even been real or if they were impressive fakes. Had Han even bought it, or had he swindled it from someone? Was it even an anniversary gift? It might have been one of his father’s many ‘I’m sorry for leaving, but I’m back… for now’ gifts.

 

“That’s got your name on it.”

 

Rey’s voice snapped him back to his senses.

 

“What?”

 

She stretched out her hand - _another delicate thing_ , he thought, _despite all she’s been through_ \- and pointed at the face of the data chip. Sure enough, albeit slightly faded, he could see Aurebesh characters spelling out his given name. Perplexed, he stepped towards Leia as her spectre rose from the sofa and walked over to the mantle above the fireplace. She reached for an ornate silver box that sat there, and cracked open its lid, slowly and with care. Leia looked at the chip in her hand. A smile touched her lips; it reminded Kylo of the ones she would offer her son whenever he asked about when his father was coming home: a brave smile, but one that belied a deeper sorrow. 

 

“Oh, Ben…”

 

She had spoken so softly, but Kylo’s heart still ached at the sound of his mother’s voice. He watched as Leia kissed the chip, her lips grazing over the letters of his name, before she placed it into the box on the mantle. As the lid snapped closed and the sound reverberated around him and Rey, Leia's gaze met his own. It was impossible, he knew this, but he swore she was looking directly into his soul when she spoke one last time. 

 

“My son.”

 

* * *

 

Kylo sat bolt upright, his lungs begging for air. He sat in his bed, chest heaving, and took in his surroundings. He was in his quarters, but he wasn't alone. Ray sat a few feet away; she too looked like she was still trying to catch her breath. The Force must have connected them as they slept and had seen fit to keep their bond open, even upon waking.

 

 “Good,” he muttered.

 

“What is?” She watched him curiously, as he launched to his feet and began tapping away at a nearby datapad.

 

“You're still here. It'll make this easier to coordinate,” he replied, utterly intent upon his quick search of the ship's logs.

 

“Coordinate? I don't - “

 

“Ah, perfect!” He felt his cheeks shift into a smile. It caught him off guard: when was the last time he had smiled? “I'm only a few hours out from Naboo. I can be there by sundown. How far away are you?”

 

A stern look crossed her features. “I can’t just tell you my - “

 

“I don’t need to know your location,” he said, waving her off. “You wouldn’t give it and I’m not asking for it. Just tell me how long it would take you to get to Lake Country, on Naboo.”

 

Her mouth dropped open, but Kylo had already begun moving about the room, preparing his clothing, putting in a request to have the Silencer prepped. It felt good, to move with purpose; it had been so long.

 

“I don't think I can wait,” he said, speaking quickly, “and while we don't need precise arrival times, it'd be helpful for me to have an estimate of when I can expe-” 

 

“You want me to meet you on Naboo?” She sounded so incredulous, it brought him up short. He stared at her, puzzled, and realized for the first time that she looked utterly bewildered.

 

“I can’t just…”

 

“Rey, my mother left a message for me there. You saw it! I wouldn’t have known about it, if it wasn’t for you.”

 

She didn’t look convinced, so he pressed on, drawing closer to her.

 

“You were the one who could verify that this vision was more than just some simple dream. That it was a memory. It’s real!” His blood was pumping in his veins, and he relished in the feeling of being alive. He had a mission now. “She left me a message there, and I need to get to it.”

 

He reached for her hand and held it between both of his. She looked startled, but didn’t pull away.

 

“Why would the Force show this to us, if we weren’t meant to uncover what Leia left… _together_?”

 

Rey sighed shakily and looked at the floor. Kylo began to feel a twinge of doubt, of fear that she wouldn’t see the truth, that she wouldn’t be there when he…

 

“Rey, Naboo is -”

 

“I can’t risk -”

 

“- it’s a middle ground, there’s no danger! I swear to you, I’ll go alone -”

 

“- listen, Ben, I can’t -”

 

“- just meet me…”

 

She brought her other hand up to rest on his. He hadn’t truly noticed how soft her hands were, or how small they seemed compared to his. He also began to notice that her warmth seemed to seep into his bones, and he realized that she must sleep without her arm wraps. Her arms were not as deeply tanned as her face, and they were still lightly dusted with freckles. His eyes traced over them until he met her gaze. Her eyes were watery and he could sense her conflict and sad resignation through the bond.

 

He opened his mouth, the word ready to slip out before he caught himself. Begging hadn't worked last time. Pleading with her hadn’t swayed her heart or mind when they had stood face-to-face in the throne room. Why should “please” make any difference now?

 

Gingerly, he extricated his hand from hers and turned away. His face - and ears - felt hot with embarrassment.

 

“Forget it,” he spat. “I’ll go alone.” He grabbed his cloak and saber, and rushed through the door.

 

“Ben, I’m sor-”

 

The doors of his quarters cut off the rest of her sentence. Kylo Ren kept marching towards the docking bay, refusing to look back.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter is You & I be PVRIS 
> 
> The obituary for Leia is from Malcolm Sheppard's [Leia Organa: A Critical Obituary](https://mobunited.wordpress.com/2016/12/28/leia-organa-a-critical-obituary/)
> 
> Do they have pianos in space? Not certain, but they do have [KeyBeds!](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/KeyBed)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! There will be one more chapter of this part of the story, then the story will continue in as a second installation in a series. Head's up... the next one will be... sad. Many much angst.
> 
> Again, endless love to nymphadoraholtzmann, hexmionegranger, and afalsebravado for being betas on this. Shoutout to all the fab folx of The SmutHutt as well!!!
> 
> Comments, kudos, and feedback are most welcome and appreciated.
> 
> Hit me up on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/theskiddlyboop) if you want to say hi/chat!

**Author's Note:**

> It's very hard for me to imagine a world without Carrie, a world without Leia. This bleeds into my musings on stories too.  
> Losing someone is hard enough, but feeling like things were left unsaid is even harder. I would love to see this play out for Ben in Episode IX, but in case it doesn't, this is what this fic is for.
> 
> Day I Die is the first of three parts in the Sleep Well Beast series, and will be followed by The System Only Dreams In Total Darkness, then Empire Line. Nothing screams Big Heavy Feelings quite like The National. 
> 
> Each fic will be three chapters long. I've got chapter 2 of this very nearly ready, but lord knows I would love to hear your thoughts - leave a comment if the fancy strikes!
> 
> In the meantime, happy end of 2018 and I hope you all have a great start to 2019!


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